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An Open Letter to My Puppy

My Cute Goldendoodle

Dearest Delia,

OMG YOU ARE JUST THE CUTEST LITTLE THING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEET GIRL YOU ARE THE APPLE OF MY EYE I WISH YOU COULD TALK TO ME PUPPY AHHHH!!

Ok now that that is out of the way, I would like to discuss a few things:

Let’s start here… even though it is adorable how much you want to protect me, you HAVE to stop barking at everyone that walks by the house… You see, not everyone wants to hurt Mommy. Those 12–year-olds across the street are skateboarding because they have nothing else to do. Not because they want to shoot up Mommy with heroin.

Second, please stop pulling on your leash. I get it… You’re excited to go to the b-word (beach). But do you see those huge metal objects that are whizzing by at 40 mph? Those are called cars. And they will smoosh your little body. And you will never see the b-word again. Or maybe you will… Who am I to say what doggy heaven is like?

Also, eat your damn food. I realize you didn’t like the Costco food I bought for you at $12.99 per 24-pound bag. That was my bad. But now I am spending a pretty penny on your organic, grass-fed bullshit and you STILL want to be picky. And no you can’t eat my food. You know how Mommy gets when she’s hungry…

Lay off me I'm starving

Another thing, how does that trash taste? Delicious? Well, riddle me this… what does one onion peel + one Goldendoodle equal? Diarrhea. So, the next time you want to jump up on the wastebasket and have yourself a feast, you may want to think twice…

Last, but certainly not least, remember how much I love you. You have brought SO much joy into my life regardless of how many times you make me chase you around the house or how many times you jump up on my bathroom counter to steal my makeup brushes. I know you are not perfect, but neither am I. I admit, even I have eaten a piece of chocolate cake out of the trash a la Sex and the City so we are not so different, you and I. Together we make one clumsy, blonde, goofy, misunderstood pair and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Just kidding, please stop yapping like an asshole.

Love,
Mom

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March 20, 2017
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March 20, 2017

2 Comments

  • Kate Love Johnson

    Delia sounds like a handful and a half! She also sounds well loved by her human. Maybe I should write one to our elder cat who keeps bringing mice inside and losing them :O

    • Caroline

      Haha I would LOVE to read a letter to your cat. I cannot imagine finding a dead mouse in my house….

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